he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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