I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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