So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
