she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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