I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
