woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
