Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
