Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
