just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
