so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
