Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
