The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
