The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
there's paper in my vomit.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
