Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
