I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
