i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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