There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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