and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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