you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
