youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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