Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
