I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
