i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
