Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
When are your genitals available?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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