Ketchup is God's man juice
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
