apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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