I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize