Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize