your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
you had me at cake vodka
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
