I wanna bring you to show and tell
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
