i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
