Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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