please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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