um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
