First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My life is pants optional.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
