I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
