FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
