Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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