How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
