they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
God, I missed his penis.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
