first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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