First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
