i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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