i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
