Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
