I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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