R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Randomize
