Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
4 words: hood of his car
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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