apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I can't put those talents on a resume
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
