Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
