my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
