I just saw a hot homeless man
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize