It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
