I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize