I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
