Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
