I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
