I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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