My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
