Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize