my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
