You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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