i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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