I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize