No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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