this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
