another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
