Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
