i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
