It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
